What do golf and Florida elections have in common? Low
A man walked into a cowboy bar in Texas and ordered a beer just
as President Bush appeared on the television. After a few sips, he looked
up at the television and mumbled, "Now there's the biggest horses' ass I've
ever seen." A customer at the end of the bar quickly stood up, walked
over to him, and decked him. A few minutes later, as the man was finishing
his beer, Dick Cheney appeared on the television. "He's a horse's ass
too," said the man. This time, a customer at the other end of the bar
quickly stood up, walked over to him, and knocked him off his stool.
"Damn it!" the man said, climbing back up to the bar, "This must
be Bush country!" "Nope," the bartender replied.
On one of his first nights in the White House, Dubya is awakened
by the ghost of George Washington. Bush is frightened, but asks:
"George, what is the best thing I could to help the country?"
Washington advises him: "Be honest above all else and set an honorable
example, just as I did." This makes Bush uncomfortable, but he
manages to get back to sleep. The next night, the ghost of Thomas
Jefferson moves through the dark bedroom. "Tom," Dubya asks,
"what is the best thing I could do to help the country?"
Jefferson replies, "Throw away your prepared remarks and speak eloquently
and extemporaneously from your heart," Jefferson advises. Bush isn't
sleeping well at all the next night, and sees another figure moving in the
shadows. It's Abraham Lincoln's ghost and Dubya thinks finally, a
Republican, I'll get some advice that I can use. "Abe, what is the best
thin I could do to help the country?," Bush asks hopefully. Abe
answers: "Go see a play."
A country doctor is suturing a laceration on the hand of an old
farmer. Old man: "All you need to know about politics is that young Bush is
a post turtle. Doctor: "Oh? What is a post turtle? Old
man: "When yer driving down a country road, and ya come across a fence post
with a turtle balanced on top? That's a post turtle. Ya know he didn't get
there by himself, he don't belong there, he cain't get anything done while he's
up there, and you just want to help take the poor thang down."
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he'll be a mile away - and barefoot.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried.
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way again.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
It's hard to make predictions, especially about the future. (Yogi Berra)
A verbal agreement isn't worth the paper its written on. (Sam Goldwin)
One Hell of a Final
A certain Prof. Shambough of the University of Oklahoma School
of Chemical Engineering, is known for asking questions such as, "Why
do airplanes fly?" on his final exams.
His one and only final exam question in May 1997 for his
Momentum, Heat and Mass Transfer II class was: "Is hell exothermic or
endothermic? Support your answer with proof."
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs strictly
using Boyle's Law or some variant. One student, however, wrote the
"First, We postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some
mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at
what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls
leaving? I think we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell,
it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for souls entering hell, let's look at the different religions
that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if
you are not a member of their religion, then you will go to hell.
Since there are more than one of these religions and people do not
belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and
souls go to hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number
of souls in hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law
states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay
the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay
Two options exist:
1. If hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which
souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will
increase until all hell breaks loose.
2. If hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of
souls in hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until hell
So which is it? If we accept the quote given to me by Theresa
Manyan during Freshman year, "that it will be a cold night in hell
before I sleep with you" and take into account the fact that I still
have NOT succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then Option 2
cannot be true...
Thus, hell is exothermic."
The student, Tim Graham, got the only A.
And well-deserved it!
The Sermon on the Mount: the Missing Verses
Several years ago, we heard, via National Public Radio's
"All Things Considered," of Prof. Eugene Soles' (Sonoma State
University) discovery of the missing verses which followed
The Beatitudes in the Gospel of Matthew's account of the Sermon
on the Mount. These are much too precious to keep to ourselves:
Then Simon Peter said, "are we supposed to write this
And James said, "will this be on the test?"
And Andrew said, "does spelling count?"
And Phillip said, "will you give partial credit if we don't
remember it exactly?"
And Bartholomew said, "will there be a makeup?"
And John said, "nobody else has had to learn anything like
And Thomas said, "will you accept it if it is late?"
And Judas said, "what does this have to do with real
The other disciples spoke likewise, asking foolish questions
about how many pages were required, and what would happen if they
didn't do the assignment.
Then one of the Pharisees who was also present, asked to see
Jesus' lesson plan, and inquired of Jesus concerning his
instructional method and his terminal objectives in the cognitive
And Jesus wept.